The Past

I have been working hard for the past few months on me. One of the things that I have realized is that I can make decisions that impact me in a positive way and don't always have to be the one giving. But I received a very unexpected email today. An old "friend" emailed with a thank you. Thanks for love and support and compassion. It makes me wonder if I will eventually become a cold person. The kind of person who can't forgive and leave the past behind me. Does the past effect us so much that we need to take it with us or is it possible to keep it at arms length. To learn from it without always having it there. I am happy in my present. I enjoy the people that I spend my time with and the things that I do. Going to school and to my job make me happier than I have been in a long time. The amazing thing about now is that despite the longing that we all have for love and acceptance of someone else I feel happy with just me and ready for what the world has to offer instead of always thinking that I know better than it. In short, I am happy with me as a person. Which brings me back...Do I accept this person's apology and reach out or leave well enough alone. Will the past just hurt me again or make me stronger than it already has?

Carry a big stick

All summer the blower motor on my car has been acting funny. That, by the way is the technical term. Finally a few weeks ago it stopped working completely and I had no defrost in my car. I brought it in to the auto department at the school in hopes that they could fix it for much cheaper than I could at a regular shop which they did for about a day and then it stopped working again. I know full well that I can't go through the entire winter with no defrost but I thought that maybe I could get around the problem by using some of that hot shit windshield washer fluid that could melt ice caps. This worked for about a week until the temperature actually went down to below zero and then it froze to the windshield as well. So, I drove to school while yelling profanities at my car and hoping not to die in some amazing crash. When I talked to Dennis about the car he told me that they couldn't actually replace the part until March but that he might have a temporary solution. He did preface this solution with the fact that I was working on borrowed time and to be careful. So, I did what I was told, I started my car, turned on the fan, and tapped under the passenger side dash with my stick. After a few sputters and a slightly alarming whining sound the motor started up and I had defrost. Needless to say, the stick doesn't leave the car!

For the love of guns

Very strange things sometimes merge. A few weeks at work our register was off and nobody could find out why. We logged it and everyone was extra careful. Today when I counted my register it was off...again...the same amount... Seriously folks if you were my boss what would you do? The first thing to do it go through all the drops for the day and recount but wouldn't you know it, the drop is behind a locked door and no one but management has the key. The universe must have heard me screaming because about a half an hour into the ordeal James walked in with his managers key. Long story short, the drop was wrong but they balanced out etc. etc. and all is well. As I was trying not to cry like a little girl in relief James mentioned that is was lucky that he likes guns enough to be at the gun show across the street or it could have been a very stressful night. He was correct. Moral of the story? You never know when someones hobby with effect your life! I never thought that I would hear myself say it but thank goodness for guns!

gotta dance

I love to dance. But most of all I love a live band. While I was at swing dance on Tuesday I ran into several people that I had not seen, or danced with for a long time. I felt reconnected to people that understood a part of my life that I always felt reached farther than just an activity to do once a week. True, it keeps me in shape and is a good social outlet but it is more than that. I remember my Mom telling me a story about my Grandma once. My Grandma was dating a fellow who was in the navy. Her mother used to sew her outfits to match his uniforms and they would go dancing. During the week she would save her egg money and usually have enough to either buy a coke or go and dance. I have to admit that as much as I love coke I would have chosen to dance as well! They would go to the dance hall and people would clear the floor to watch them dance together. Now, I don't even imagine that I am that good on the dance floor but I have to admit that I get a little tingle everytime I see someone trying to figure out something that my dance partner and I have done or smile at us. I feel like I can connect with people in the room without even talking. I love to dance. And I wish that my Grandma could still be here to see me dance.

Were you drooling?

Keep in mind as you read this that I am an insomniac. I really don't sleep well out of town or on peoples couches. I envy those people who can just fall asleep standing in doorways and things like that. But I am not like that. For the most part I need a hot bath and my own bed with the dog sleeping at the end of it to sleep. That is why what happened next was so funny and weird. I have been working a lot of hours the past few weeks and going to school and just being busy in general. I got to school early today to drop me car off in the auto shop department so I had nothing to so for a few hours. I filled in time with the usual stuff. I called my Oma and had breakfast. Then I decided to lay down in the commons for a few minutes and "rest my eyes". when I woke up my phone was going off and it was an hour and a half later. There was a group of nursing students surrounding me and if they weren't laughing at me they sure should have been. At least one of them was nice enough to tell me that I had an imprint of the couch on my face. When I go to lunch and told the story the first thing that my friend Jen asks is "were you drooling?" Then Margret, who I was actually meeting for lunch said that if she had seen me she would have walked around the corner and then called my phone. I assume that I have at least one friend who would have taken photos before dumping a glass of water on my head! How exhausted must I have been to actually fall asleep in the school commons! This tells me that I certainly need a day off of my life. When that will be I have no idea but it will be welcome when it comes.

The very first

I am writing my first blog entry. I have been told that the more you write the better you get at it and so I will write... and write... and write. I'm not completely sure what I will write about. I hope for it to be something wonderful and inspiring and perhaps it will be. Until we get to that moment of genius I will write about the things that I know best... The things that I see.